Totally St. Augustine (#39) Nov. 7, 2016

The fruits of writer’s block

Returned home from a family vacation 10 days ago and have been suffering a major case of writer’s block ever since. As a cure I decided to park myself in front of a keyboard and let fly until I got to about 500 words. Don’t know where this is leading.

Since I am retired from paying jobs am I even allowed to have vacations? Or do I simply accompany my wife on her vacation. My daughter’s participation was, more or less, parent-sanctioned hooky. This, despite a couple of hour’s schoolwork each day while poolside.

I write this less than a week before the presidential election. We are truly a nation divided and I have a feeling we are headed for some rough times ahead no matter who wins.

Those close to me know where my loyalties lie but I have (mostly) withstood the temptation to preach to my friends, or anyone else who might listen, about which lever to pull when voting.

Speaking of which, I can’t remember the last time I actually pulled a lever when voting. I think it might have been during student elections at the University of Florida in the early 1970s.

I ran one of those elections and can still remember the embarrassment I suffered when I left two student senate candidates in the College of Engineering off the ballot. Or maybe it was another one of the colleges. Who can remember?

My mug shot was on the front page of the Independent Florida Alligator with a cutline that read, “no defense.” I didn’t have one.

But back to the voting machines with levers. I think they were donated to the university by Alachua County after they adopted new voting procedures. About all I can remember about the machines was they were a bear to program. And, of course, it wasn’t difficult to mistakenly leave candidates off the ballot.

Many political pundits say this has been the strangest presidential election in history and the first that has been so heavily impacted by the existence of social media. Imagine someone predicting in 2006 that a presidential election 10 years in the future would be heavily influenced by a candidate’s tweets and trending social media issues. Say what?

And just to demonstrate where stream-of-consciousness writing can lead you, wasn’t Hurricane Matthew a thoroughly unwelcome distraction?

We were fortunate to get through it pretty much unscathed mostly because, I presume, we decided to purchase flood insurance about a year ago. Had we not done so we would have shared the fate of some of our friends and had to deal with several inches (or feet) of water in our homes.

I have been blown away by the concern and generosity by community members who rushed to help those most severely impacted by the storm. It is another one of the reasons why I believe we live in one of the best places on the planet.

And it is because of that I have been able to end this column to nowhere with a reference to St. Augustine, thereby fulfilling a major writing prerequisite for a community columnist.

When my writer’s block is cured I’ll try to do better. I promise.

Totally St. Augustine #14 (Nov. 19, 2014)

The wacky words we speak

This is going to be a column about the wonderfully wacky language spoken by most of us. It’s confusing, contradicting and amusing. Never mind why we park in driveways and drive on parkways, I’m going to attempt to come up with some examples you might have never before heard.

But before I do, here’s a public service announcement that will likely provide the only tangible tie this column has to St. Augustine.

Ladies (and gentlemen) who frequent the same gym I do (located near the Haven Hospice Attic), the exercise machines are not meant to serve as substitute easy chairs while you catch up with the latest 10 minutes of gossip with your girlfriends.

I view going to the gym as a necessary evil and try to get in and out of there as quickly as possible. Please don’t get in Grumpy’s way.

And now back to our column.

I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the concept of pre-sliced ham. Do not premarital activities occur before one gets married? If so, shouldn’t pre-sliced refer to the time before the ham was sliced?

What a minute, you protest. In this case “pre” means previously. In other words, pre-sliced ham refers to ham previously sliced. I’ll grant that meaning if someone can explain to me the difference between previously sliced and sliced. And so I will make a ruling. Pre-sliced is redundant. Sliced should suffice.

I have no such problem with previously frozen shrimp and fish. And the supermarkets generally do a good job of labeling seafood that has been handled in such a manner.

But I often come across half frozen packages of “fresh” chicken and pita breads. How come they are rarely, if ever, marked as previously frozen?

Let’s leave the supermarket and take to the highway. By the way, we know about parkways and driveways, but where can I find a low-way?

Traffic enforcement officers like to make a distinction between a complete stop and a rolling stop. Flight attendants also warn you to remain seated before the plane comes to a complete stop.

Well I’m here to say a complete stop is redundant and a rolling stop is an oxymoron. You can either stop or not. On to the next case.

You can turn a light on, you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out. How come you can’t turn a light in? Well I guess maybe you could turn a light in, if it committed a crime.

Speaking of turning in, why is that a term many people use when they announce they are going to bed? When someone asks you what time you got up this morning do you say, “Well, I think I turned out around 6:30.”

It’s likely I could come up with several more of these incongruities but I think I might be coming down with something. Plus I need to run to the gym to see if the girls can provide me some fodder for an upcoming column. Next time.

Musings of a first-time professor

Yesterday I spent my first two hours as an volunteer, adjunct professor at the University of North Florida in Jacksonville. I’m co-teaching a public relations writing lab with my friend, Stephanie Araujo. Actually Stephanie did most of the teaching while I stood around attempting to appear professorial.

One of the things I am most thankful for is that this particular student lab is outfitted with Mac computers, the industry standard for publishing. Two years after my former place of employment replaced its Macs with low-horsepower PCs, I am still shaking my head. But I’ll save that discussion for another time and place.

As I meandered about the lab wondering if the students thought I was reliable enough to answer questions, the first thing I noticed was my eyesight was continuing to go south. Before I could review a block of copy that one student asked me to have a look at, I had to go into the Word program and double the size of the type. When the larger words appeared on screen I immediately thought of those “big print” versions of the Reader’s Digest that I used to smirk at in doctor waiting rooms. What goes around comes around.

Another thing I noticed is that students are still quite creative and savvy when it comes to setting the stage for possible future negotiations. At least two of them came to me with extremely legitimate reasons why they might, in the weeks to come, have difficulty meeting both short term and long term deadlines. I considered that to be a good thing because it demonstrated to me that the kids were thinking and planning. It reminded me of my college days at the University of Florida when I missed a class because my analog clock began to run in reverse after a brief power outage. I still remember the look my professor gave me when I told him the story. It was the perfect example of the overused saying that “truth is stranger than fiction.”

I left the classroom after two hours of interaction with mostly positive feelings about my experience. I’m still struggling to get my sea legs but I’ve done enough “sailing” to recognize that time and experience will bring me that steadiness.

My 10-year-old daughter, Jenny, asked me if I brought a snack to the classroom for my students and I tried to explain to her that college classrooms and 4th-grade classrooms operated under a slightly different set of rules. As I rethink it though, I am wondering if Jenny may be on to something. Can anyone out there tell me what the snack of choice is for 19 and 20 year olds?

Extreme Safety: Media Edition

(This is a copy of my Editor’s Corner column that appeared in the March 2011 issue of FloridAgriculture Magazine)

My intentions were pure and my expectations were modest when I decided to write a story on the taping of an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition episode scheduled for late January and early February in Clay County.

That was before I came up against “April the Contractor” and her security staff when I visited the program site in mid-afternoon on demolition day.
At the outset let me say that the net result of what this program accomplishes is a very good thing. It puts a needy and deserving family into a new home where its old home once stood. The show is popular and I thought our readers might enjoy a story about it.

I have no ax to grind with “April the Contractor” or any of the other paid crew and local volunteers associated with the show. My purpose here is simply to let readers know about the challenges we sometimes face when trying to write a story. And I’ll attempt to do so in a humorous manner.

After shooting some photos of the demolition cleanup from a safe distance (had to use my telephoto lens), I was approached by a security guard who asked me who I was. I answered truthfully and his response to my response led me to believe that had I been working for an ABC affiliate, I could have continued without further interruption. But since I didn’t, he apologetically escorted me to a fenced-in area that was reserved for “other” media.

While standing a few feet outside the “media pen,” I overheard April tell an associate (Ron) that “all media needed to go behind the fence.” Moments later she noticed me and asked who I was. I should have answered that I was an ABC affiliate, but I’m an honest guy and my nametag would have given me away anyway. April requested that I go behind the fence and when I asked her why, she replied, “safety.”

There were about three people behind the fence and hundreds of people (mostly volunteers) outside of it. Most had hardhats on; I didn’t. But there was someone a few feet away holding a box of hardhats. Inexplicably, the safety-conscious April didn’t offer me one.

I then asked Ron to take me to see my friend, Bonnie, who was the volunteer public relations coordinator. We found her in the catering tent, which was about as far away as you could get from the demolition cleanup and still be on site. After I greeted Bonnie, another security guard rushed into the tent and announced that media weren’t allowed there. I immediately pondered calling the state Agriculture Department to report a food “safety” issue.

I walked back to the media pen, where my car was safely parked, and decided that I would leave the writing of this story to ABC affiliates or other reporters who preferred working behind the “safety” of a fence. I was told that the episode will air sometime in May. I’ll probably watch it.

For the record, Bonnie and Ron were ultimate professionals and tried to make my job easier given the circumstances. I wish I could have written the story. Hope this column will suffice.

The side effects of “writer’s block”

(Blogger’s Note: It’s been a while since I posted one of these, so I’m getting back into it slowly by sharing my Editor’s Corner column from the September 2010 issue of FloridAgriculture Magazine.)

The onset of a minor case of “writer’s block” has left me no choice other than to dig into my bag of pet peeves and lament about things in this world that are imperfect.

But before I jump headfirst into a restrained diatribe, let me first remind all good Farm Bureau members to go to the polls in November and vote “no” on Amendment 4, known in these here parts as Hometown Demagoguery.

Which is a good segue to my first bit of grousing. Why do people have to be urged to exercise their franchise by participating in elections? Voting is a celebration of the freedoms we have in this wonderful country. Even if you don’t think your vote will make a difference, you should take the time to cast your ballot. And if you don’t know who or what to vote for, ask the opinion of someone whom you trust.

I am also proposing that the use of the phrase “for your convenience” be outlawed when it is not used in proper context. Some examples of this are, “For your convenience, we have added a 20 percent gratuity to your bill,” and “For your convenience, we would like to switch you to paperless billing.”

Another area for world improvement involves the mini-computers that tell you interesting facts about your car. Have you ever been driving down the street and taken note of the fact that you had three gallons of gas remaining and that you could expect to drive another 70 miles before you ran out of fuel.

Less than 30 seconds later, bells start chiming and the message center alerts you that you are very low on fuel and, essentially, you should proceed at your own peril. I, for one, am usually not brave enough to try to squeeze out those 70 miles before refueling.

Speaking of computers, why do software makers insist upon numbering errors when something goes wrong. It’s happened to everyone; you try to open a program and a window pops up and reads, “Enterprise failed to open. Error code 453B.” The only problem is that there are less than two people still walking the earth who have any clue as to what error code 453B indicates.

And don’t get me started on peaches. I love a good peach but it has become difficult, if not impossible, to pick out one that will be juicy, tasty and pleasantly textured.

That old saying about pudding should be changed to “the proof of the peach is in the tasting.” Not to mention the window for ripeness with a peach has got to be an hour or less. I’ve seen rock-hard peaches turn to mush in the time it takes me to watch an episode of Leave It To Beaver.

Maybe I should compile my list of imperfections into a ballot initiative and ask my friends and neighbors to vote each of them out of existence. That could, however, be overkill so let me just say once more that I expect each of you to keep our republic vibrant and healthy by voting “no” on 4.

(Ed Albanesi has been editor of FloridAgriculture since 1998.)